Local Donut Insists It Was Fresh This Morning

BALTIMORE: Speaking from its usual spot at the back of the break-room box, a glazed donut told reporters Tuesday that it was “absolutely fresh this morning” and that anyone suggesting otherwise was “frankly being a little hurtful.”

“The bagels left at nine. The muffins were gone by ten. Nobody asks them for a receipt,” said the donut, which has a firmness some coworkers described as “structural.” “Meanwhile I’ve been holding this glaze together since 6 a.m. and the best anyone can say is ‘eh, maybe if I microwave it.’”

The donut noted that it had been picked up and put back down at least four times.

Experts weigh in, sort of

Asked to clarify, a panel of office managers conferred for several minutes before agreeing that the donut was “technically still food” and “fine, probably, if you’re desperate.”

At press time, the donut had been seen inching toward the front of the box and asking a cruller whether it knew anyone in accounting.